Dear Judge

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Letter 1 Guilty By Accident
Dear Judge,

Now I was supposed to write you this and explain how come the woman I accidentally did was not illegally done after all. What she was turned out to be the party of the first part of the party. I been told I was supposed to use legal words because that is what the defrocked lawyer that went to a mail order law school and has a real diploma and everything and is in here on bad check charges said I should do. But I don’t know any of that fancy lawyer talk.

Anyway, I admit I was the doer to the party of the first part, that lady cop, and she was the doee of the second part, as well as the party of the first part. And I was all drunk and had uncontrollable facilities or something. Anyway you know what I mean, you being a high class judge and all.

I mean after all I was drunk because that is what bars are for, to get drunk in, ain’t they. Isn’t it in bars where you go to get a little strange and get drunk? Otherwise why have bars in the first place? You know what I mean? Anyways, it all started over this pool game. We was playing eight ball on a coin table and one of the guys watching said as how his dick got way harder than a cue ball. And somebody else said that he was full of shit because no part of the hardest dude alive ever was near as hard as a cue ball. So he said that if his old lady was there to get him hard he’d prove it.

And one of the other guys there said, “Well here, use my old lady, she won’t mind.”

And so he asked her politely if she would mind and she asked him if he had took a bath that week. I guess she was kind of finicky. Anyway, he said yeah that he had a bath just the day before. So she got down on her knees started getting him hard. You know what a hummer is? No, I don’t mean one of them big fat ugly cars that burns a shit load of gas going around the block.. This kind of hummer is where she chomps down on his manliness and hums a song. This is a real interesting thing to experience.

I was told don’t say peter or cock in this letter so I won’t. He said that you was real refined and had a shit fit every time anyone said stuff you don’t like to hear as you being so high class and all. So I shall refrain myself and try to use highly toned language.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah she chomped down on his manly hood. To make a long story short, she was a real patriot type female and she hummed God Bless America and gave head at the same time. It was a real spiritual and uplifting thing to see and hear. It made me proud to be an American. Anyway, he stood there with a goofy grin and chugged another pitcher of beer while she is doing her patriotic deed on him.

Just before he started to go off, she quit and he staggered over to the pool table and said his dick was as hard as any cue ball ever made. So when he laid it on the table, I took aim (It was my turn to shoot) and I did a back reverse English shot on that cue ball and when it hit the head of his dick, that old boy went into shock from all the pain he must have been experiencing.

Now what was real funny was that with all that back English on the cue ball, it just sat there on the table in one place, tight up against his big old dick, and spun. In fact, it completely spun the foreskin right off him and he went into more shock. Now he weighed in at a good two seventy-five. And was a little under six feet tall. His big old fat face went red in places and white in places and his eyes crossed and tried to open real wide and scrunch closed at the same time. I mean it was a real awesome sight let me tell you.

Now I know for sure if Jerry Springer had been there he would of turned the cameras on the whole exciting episode. I mean, how often do you get to see a pool ball squish a dude’s dick and then rub the foreskin off by spin friction? I mean Jerry Springer searches all over America for true to life odd events and this was true and odd both, believe you me.

Anyway, his buddy got pissed and hit me over the head with a cue stick and it broke. I got a steel plate from a bike wreck and it takes one hell of a lot more than a cue stick to put me out. So when I grinned at him, he got pale his own self and took off. He beat feet out of there like a herd of pit bulls was after him.

He left his old lady behind in a booth, so I took her across the street from the Humper Bar And Grill to the By The Hour Motel and carried her inside. She was some drunk her own self and couldn’t walk too good. But so was I. So anyway, I laid her on the bed and went back to the bar and had another pitcher of beer and come back,

Now that was where all that brown stuff hit the fan like they say in refined circles. I went in and got undressed and I rolled her over and with great tender feelings shoved it in her mouth and went to work. Right from the git go she got wild as hell. I mean she was a wild one, all right. After I went off and I pulled out and she yelled like bloody murder and I saw that she was not who I put in that bed in that room.

Anyway, I did what any gentleman would do and I apologized for violating her lips. Hey, you would have done the same thing if you made a mistake like that. I mean you got to be real unsensitive not to apologize when one is due. But even after I apologized, she just turned up the sound knob and screeched louder.

Now let me back up and tell you what else happened. The desk clerk saw me take off and go back across the street and so he thought I was done with her before I didn’t even have a chance get to started yet. So he took her back to the office and done her there. Two cops on stakeout wanted that very room for their stake out and so the desk clerk let them have it even though I had paid for two full hours. After all I was out of the room and he took the lady I was dating out of the room, so it was vacant as far as he was concerned.

Now this is where it gets all fuzzy like because some guy starts pounding on my head with a gun butt. At the same time The lady I just showed such a great time to pulled out a badge and somehow, while she was spitting and wiping her mouth was able to scream at me, “You are under arrest you filthy perverted son of a bitch!” That was the last thing I remember because a gun went off and the slug hit me in the middle of my steel plate and kind of knocked me out a little bit.

So you see, it was all a big misunderstanding and I didn’t really mean to white wash that lady cop’s tonsils. And if she hadn’t gone in and laid down on my bed that I still had a whole hour paid on the rent yet, none of this would ever of happened.

Now I want to sue the cops for shooting me in the head. They claim that was accidental like. And if they can claim they shot me in the head by accident from just eight inches behind me, why can’t I claim the eight inches I put in her mouth was a legal accident? After all, no man in his right mind would even dream of doing a cop in the mouth or anywhere else for that matter.

So anyways after I got a street lawyer and came up before you and you was nice enough to release me OR (That means on my own recognition, you know.) I swore I would stay out of trouble with no cops. What was you laughing so hard about? I did my level best to be real dignified.

Sincerely yours,
Elmo Thudpacker.

Letter 2 Victimized By Circumstances
Dear Judge,

Well it looks like I got busted again. And let me tell you that this is again not my fault this time either. I am a victim of circumstances all over again. This shit just keeps happening to me and I am the victim of it all. I been trying to stay out of trouble because you being so tight assed about such things and all. I have been doing my level best not to piss you off. Because one thing I know for sure is that you never want to piss off a judge when you got to appear in front of him. You know that your own self.

So let me tell you what happened in my own words that is more honest than that lying cop who is full of shit about things. Besides, he wasn’t even there when it all happened. I got me a job and I was on my way home when I got a big assed thirst and so I stopped in at the Humper Bar And Grill to have me a great hamburger and a pitcher of brew to wash it down. I was clear at the far end of the bar when the shit happened. I swear on my mother’s grave when she dies that I never did none of the things they said I done.

Now I did say to the bar tender, a personal friend of mine that some fat women got holes on them that echoed when you yelled up inside them, but I was not directing it at nobody present. I just made my harmless observation and then I felt a clunk on my head and a broken half of a cue stick fell right down into my pitcher of beer. I knew immediately and without a shadow of a doubt that someone had hit me on the head with a pool cue stick. As I told you in that other letter about Ankara escort my misfortunes that I got a steel plate in my head and it takes a hell of a hit to even give me a headache.

So anyway I turned on my stool and I saw the other part of the broke pool cue in this fat gal’s hand and I was smart enough to put two and two together and get an answer. Her eyes got real big that I didn’t fall over. I am used to this reaction from people who smack me over the head and then crap in their pants when I don’t fall over and be knocked out.

So anyways, she says to me, “Oh, I’m sorry that I stumbled. Excuse me.”

I said something real clever about how she had to kiss me where it hurt and she smiled and reached over and patted my leg and I accidentally shifted on my stool and she accidentally patted me on the dick and her old man saw it and just like that cop jumped to the wrong conclusions.

Any way he said something impolite and I explained that he was full of shit and his old lady wasn’t groping me and even if she was it was none of his business because those lesbians got liberations and women can now grope anyone they want to and that it was the law. I want you to know I have great respect for the law whenever it is convenient.

He said, “The hell it is,” and brought his fist down on my head and broke his knuckles and I tried to slip off the stool and get away from the trouble I saw real clear was brewing. I slipped as I got off the stool and my knee accidentally came in contact with his nuts and he went over backwards and I accidentally tripped fell on his knee what was attached to his leg right then. He screamed as his knee was broke so I helped him over to his booth and was helping him into it and I slipped again and he fell on the floor and somehow I ended up face down in his old lady’s lap, which is located right smack dab in the middle between her legs.

So anyway the cop was lying when he said she was grinning ear to ear like he said in his report. She was not grinning because she was giggling and you can’t grin and giggle at the same time very easy. And she was giving a lady like giggle because my beard was tickling her thighs on the inside. And the cop was lying and I ask you, who would you rather believe, some lying cop or me who has been a real good customer of yours and all? Me too, I wouldn’t never believe a lying cop neither.

So anyway, to make things worse, this cop is the brother of the lady cop who accidentally blew me last month in another bad case of mistaken identity that is already in your court, if you remember. What he done next was real impolite and he took out his gun and yelled, “That was my sister you messed with last month.”

And, as soon as I could get my face unstuck from between her thighs, I yelled back that his sister was to blame for getting in my bed uninvited. So he got red faced and shot me in the head with his thirty-eight cop special. The results were the same as when that cop shot me in the head last time and I got a headache then too. But this time, it was worse because he shot me twice in the head. Now that was real improper on his part. Nobody likes to get shot by cop or anybody else.

Then his partner told him it didn’t look right to shoot me three times when I was still faced head down between that woman’s legs and not armed or nothing. And besides, his sister wasn’t much of a lay anyhow. So her brother said, “yeah, you’re right.” And they drug me off to jail. That is where I am now waiting on your pleasure, which I hope comes soon.

Any way, the lady with the nice giggle, her name is Clarabelle Stedman, has been coming to see me while I am in here because she says that her old man Willy won’t be out of the hospital real soon and she don’t give a rat’s ass no how because she is dumping him like a load of dirt and she wants to take up with me because I got such a nice beard and all. Then she blushed and laughed real shy like on account of she is a real lady and all.

Can you do something about these shitty computers the jailhouse has for us prisoners? The spell checkers keep going crazy and keep changing what I write by hand one key at a time. They are just plain old junk. Now if you are interested I know where you can get some real nice sort of surplus computers that are FBI surplus. Anyway, they have these stickers on them that say FBI on them. So they are surplus, I guess. But they are cheap and better than these junky ones.

I got to close now cause Clarabelle is coming to visit me and since I am a trustee we get to be alone in the broom closet for half an hour. She says that part of the visit is good, but that she wished that guard would change his shorts more often because they are grungy and put her off when he pulls them down.

What that guard don’t know is that Clarabelle is faking her organism with him. She told me so. But she has to give him some or I don’t get none. I guess it’s probably like that all over.

Very sincerely,
Your friend and good customer,
Elmo Thudpacker

Letter 3 A Hole New Bunch Of Problems
Dear Judge,

It looks like the shit hit the fan for sure this time. I am on a new computer in the hole. That is what they call solitary confinement, you know. It seems that they can’t take away my computer rights because I am having to prepare my own case because that fucking PD. (That’s what they call the public defender, you know), that fucking PD couldn’t defend a steak sandwich from one of those veggie guys. (Or is it veggie gays? I get that shit all confused.) Any was it was his fault about every bit of what happened!

I tried to tell him about me and that female cop and how since she got in my bed, and she never said stop it wasn’t rape to do her in the mouth that way. I mean after all, I am as sensitive as the next guy about all that women’s lib crap. They just need a good horn dog stuck in them now and then and they would all of them straighten right out. But that PD, he is a real artsy artsy pansy ass and he told me he didn’t have time to listen to my brainless tirade.

So I said, “Listen you skinny fucker, you’re my lawyer and you got to listen to my side of things so you can defend me.”

And looked me right in the eye and he said that it was not his job to defend me but to see if he could make a deal with the DA for me so that I could plea to a lesser sentence and not do so much time.

Now that is where all this misunderstanding happened. He is supposed to act like a lawyer and he didn’t. So I told him right out that a PD was supposed to defend because that was the D in the word PD. And I tried to make him see where his head wasn’t on straight.

He looked me right in the eye and he said, “You poor simpleton, if my head isn’t screwed on straight and yours is, why are you behind bars and I’m not?” He looked at me and shook his head and then he really dissed me and curled his lip at me and I got pissed.

Now I am a peaceable kind of guy that wouldn’t hurt a flea. But no man can get dissed in public and still hold his head up high and be proud. Besides if I let a little scrawny punk ass like him dis me, especially here in jail, then I will have to prove my manhood over and over again and it just ain’t worth the hassle. So I dissed him right back. What I done was I reached through the bars and grabbed the back of his head and jerked his head to the bars. I meant to thump some good sense into him. I figured that if I just thumped his head and the bars together a few times he would listen to reason and stop that shit of pleading to a lesser felony. Well screw him. You being a high-class sort of guy you understand, don’t you? Yeah, I thought so.

Well, anyways it was hot in there on account of the air conditioner not working and all and we was all sweating. And anyway, when I grabbed his head and give him a jerk, I didn’t realize how small his head really was when his mouth was shut. So instead of getting a head thump on the bars, his head just sort of slid on through between the bars. His face was so sweaty and all that he only got a couple of little bruises on his cheeks slipping through and all.

Now that is where things got sort of complicated because there was a trustee on his side of the bars we nick named Junk Yard because he is as mean as a junk yard dog. He also has a real twisty mind and is one of them perverts that would get some head from a rattlesnake and not even jerk out its fangs. So when he saw that PD bent over and had his head stuck in the bars, he just grinned like Bill Clinton in a nunnery. He dropped that little dude’s pants and dry humped him right up the butt. That was most unpolite of him. But since Junk Yard is six-three or four and weighs over three hundred pounds of mean, I wasn’t going to say nothing. You see I know when to keep my mouth closed, not like that lady cop I had the little misunderstanding with.

Then Bubba, that big outlaw biker who is in here for throwing policemen through windows saw that Ankara escort bayan PD with his mouth open and getting ready to yell. Can you guess what happened next? You’re right! That little PD got his start in a new hobby big time. And this all happened because he dissed me and wouldn’t keep his mouth shut. So you see, it was his own fault that things got a little out of hand.

But after that it gets real complicated because somehow old Junk Yard must of hit his gee spot or something. Because he is now in court defending Junk Yard against the rape charge of Junk Yard raping him! It is real disgusting to see that PD defend the guy that banged his butt dry like that and he wouldn’t defend me who would never do a dude up the poop chute, leastways when I got a fine and foxy fat lady coming to see me conjugal like. They threw Bubba in the hole for his part in bringing that PD out of the closet. It seems to me Bubba is a victim there too.

But right there in your court when I was in for defending my honor against him, here he is calling Junk Yard “Junky Sweets,” and stuff like that. An when they started to kissing back there in the holding cell, I got so righteously angry at all that their public out bursting that I almost told them to take their romance to a private place. There is just something wrong when a three hundred pound guy calls a skinny little lawyer guy “honey” and they French kiss.

I know you wouldn’t do nothing like that, you being so high class and all. Am I right? Hell yes I am! Anyway they threw me in the hole after I whupped up on two a-holes who accused me of being a pimp for some gays. I swear to you I did not pimp for nobody except myself. But that is okay because it is just so I can get laid when I need to.

That assistant DA says he is not going to press charges which is real nice of him. He likes fat gals too and Clarabelle said she would show her appreciation and bring her identical twin sister over and visit him. I said I thought I might like her and her twin at the same time and she said since we was in love it would not be right. Oh well you can’t win them all. It was nice of the assistant DA to bring her with him when he came down the second time.

Everything is about to change now. I been a week without Clarabelle and I get horny easy sometimes. The hole here is not a nice place to be alone in. We got this cute little trustee comes around who earns cigarettes taking care of a man’s personal needs and he is starting to look good. If I am forced to do a dude to get satisfaction because that PD wouldn’t do his job, it is all going to be his fault.

I got to close for now because the lights out bell just rang. I’ll finish with this tomorrow. You sleep tight tonight and all that shit,

Your friend,
Elmo Thudpacker

Well, your honor sir, I am back.

I find this is very disturbing to me and all. I mean I want to sue the two cops who shot me in the head. I think I got a right. But that one cop who is the brother of the other cop that I did in the mouth and didn’t know it was a cop I was doing at the time, is threatening me and saying he was going to cut my nuts off if I sue him. And I said you are a cop you wouldn’t know where my nuts are and then he kicked me in them.

And for that little bit of humor, he did a very unhumorous thing and drop kicked me in the crotch. I called him a pile of after birth and his friend, another cop, hit me in the plate on my head and broke his knuckles and screamed like a ruptured Richard Simmons trying to do goofy exercises. You didn’t know I watched that high class shit on TV did you? But I got some class about me. Anyway the cop brother of the female cop dropkicked my nuts a second time to express his unreasonable hate he has for me when nothing is ever my fault and I get the shit blamed on me anyway.

I am writing this from the jail ward of the county hospital. The doctor said he could save my balls but that I was going to look real swollen down there for a while. Now is it legal for a cop to kick you in the balls? Well I didn’t think so either.

Then to make it even worse, he put on the incident report that I fell down stairs and must of kicked my own self in the balls. Now I ask you, how can I fall down stairs when they already have me in the hole in the sub basement? That’s bullshit, right? Yeah, I thought so too and I was there. Anyway I want to sue and I was wondering if you could be my lawyer when I sue those sons of different bitches. I mean you being a judge and all you got to be a better lawyer than those shit heads who come before you isn’t that right? I thought so.

But if you can’t be my lawyer, do you have a brother or friend who is a lawyer. I mean that way they have to give you a kick back for referring me to them. I read all about that in one of those novels that we get in here to kill time. The title of that book was “Lawyers In Lust.”

Also, can you get them to put Jerry Springer on TV? His show reminds me of the Humper Bar And Grill Bar. We get all these interesting people in there and watching Jerry Springer is just like Friday nights sitting at the bar and chugging a few except that here all we got is that shitty pruno and a little grass. But you won’t tell nobody will you seeing as how we are becoming asshole buddies, sort of, except your are high class and I am in jail. But the sentiment is there. I got to close this and I will write you some more tomorrow.

As always,
Your pal,
Elmo Thudpacker.

Letter 4 Love That’s Hard To Swallow
Dear Judge, your honor sir,

What did I do to get your ass in a big old uproar? I explained how this shit wasn’t my fault and I even told you that I was mortally outraged about Junk Yard and my ed-PD getting it on and how none of it was my fault even if I did kind of get things started. But I was just the innocent bystander and you was acting all pissy at me. Then when I said I thought we was friends and you said that judges don’t have friends, just defendants.

And when I asked you to OR me one more time so I could get laid and all and you was taking a drink of water and you spluttered and all those people in the court room started to laugh, I got my feelings hurt. Bad. I got a sensitive side to me, you know that. But when I said that if you give me OR (That means I get out on my own recognition) I would mow your lawn and take care of shit around your house and that you didn’t need to have one of those head shrinkers look at my head. I was just trying to be nice to you, us being close friends and all.

But that shrink dude was real strange. When I told him about that pretty boy that was looking so good all the time when I was in the hole, he got all interested and wanted me to get Pauly (that’s that sweet kid’s name) and me to get it on in front of him.

I asked him why he wanted me to do that and he said that it was necessary for my evaluation. Any way, I did Pauly up the back door express in front of him and his eyes got all glassy and he said we had to do it again the next day because his evaluation was incomplete. If you ask me that dude is incomplete. But he insisted that it was for my evaluation. So I said okay.

So after me and Pauly did what he asked the second day, I asked him if he was done evaluating me and he said yes. And I asked him what he had found out and he winked and said I had just proved that any straight guy would do queer things if he was given a valid sounding reason. Then he winked again and told Pauly to go with him.

Now Pauly told me later that that head shrinker has more kinks than a frizzled hair permanent. What Pauly said was that he learned a whole new repertoire of tricks to do with his johns.

Now that wasn’t my fault either. I am just a victim and it is getting old. I want to be someplace where I don’t get beat up and shot and insulted and dissed by my own PD that my tax dollars pay for if I had a job and paid taxes and all that shit. What is wrong with the fucking world?

Your friend,
Elmo Thudpacker.

Letter 5 A New Romance
Dear Judge,

Well I want to thank you for letting me out of jail, but it was kind of hurtful that you said the only reason you was going to OR me was because it was either that or have someone shoot me. And to have the prosecutor say that I was a menace to the community and that no police officer was safe, you pointed out to him that of all the cops I had confrontations with, the first one had crawled into my bed uninvited, the second one shot me in the head because he was miffed at me and the third one shot me because he was the brother to the first one I did in the mouth by accident and I already told you none of this is my fault, it is ever body else’s fault. Is miffed the same as pissed?

Say, these new computers is nice that the jail bought us. I hope nobody minds that one followed me home. It was hard getting that monitor out with all the other stuff. But when the guard asked me what I had in that big bag Escort Ankara and I said I had AIDS and was taking all my laundry home for my mother to wash he didn’t seem too interested in snooping through it. But anyway, I don’t really have AIDS, you are very relieved to know that and since I am out, I want you to know that I will be over to mow your grass as soon as you tell me where you live and when you want me to come. I always pay my bills when I owe them and I won’t steal nothing from you because I don’t steal from high-class people usually. You got my word on that and I don’t lie unless it’s necessary to.

Now I got a problem. It is that lady cop. She is coming around the Bid A Wee Bar and Grill and it is very embarrassing. She says that nobody ever did her in the oral like that before, not even her brother, the other cop who shot me. She said that it was strange cause she felt funny. Now she says that she don’t want that no more, but she keeps hanging around in her uniform and don’t wear underwear under that skirt and people are starting to talk and if I do her and she won’t go away, I won’t have a reputation worth shit. Guys who do sex with cops are not very well thought of in my circles. I bet it’s the same in your circles, you being high class and all.

Anyhow I think you ought to come down to the Bid A Wee Caf?nd see how the rest of us live (and play) and all that shit. Clarabelle says she could straighten out your bent disposition real fast and I bet she could. She don’t mean no disrespect at you because she is true blue and all that shit.

Come to think of it I bet she could put a smile on your face and a leer on your lips. She got that health inspector to change his mind about the cock roaches in the hamburger. They was dead anyway and didn’t count, or they shouldn’t of if they did cause they wasn’t put there on purpose. But that hamburger meat from Tijuana in Mexico gets kind of questionable sometimes. So you come on over if you get a chance.

Now don’t take no wooden gavels, (That’s a Joke.).
Your friend and good buddy,
Elmo Thudpacker

Letter 6 Unsmooth Love
Dear Judge:

What is this I saw on the TV that Leone brought me that you are getting defrocked? They said it right on the TV news and the TV news don’t lie or they wouldn’t say it because they have all these high-class people on it and all. Now they moved Leone’s brother to a nut case ward because he started howling like a dog with his dick slammed in a door every time Leone would come see me and cheer me up. She and Clarabelle get it on real good because Leone found out she likes fat women too, just like me.

We had to do our doing with each other out of the janitors’ closet and into the trustees’ day room. That means that more people had to be let in on our secret romancing. Three guards and the head trustee all get to share our delight. You will be pleased that the guard with the dirty underwear now wears clean ones on the day I get my visits from Leone and Clarabelle. He felt bad when he found out that dirty underwear was a turn of for fussy women.

Anyways the TV reporter said that Leone’s brother is going to testify against you and he can’t do that because he is all loony and nuts can’t testify. It says that somewhere. So you tell them that they are crazy if they think he is not crazy because he howls like a dog every time he sees Leone do me to cheer me up.

We are getting married, you know. That will be nice and she says that she is going to pop out a bunch a juniors just like me. Is that or is that not romantic? Now I like the idea of having a bunch of little bastards that look like me, all dressed up in their own colors and riding mini-Harleys. This fucked up computer keeps changing my language and has me saying words all wrong. So excuse me if this letter don’t sound right to your eyes. It is not my fault, believe me.

Anyway that prosecutor ass hole said he was serving me with a paper so I couldn’t testify for you and I would have to testify against you. So I said fuck you and he squeezed my shoulder and said, “Ve haf ways to make you talk!” I thought they shot all those Germans. Jesus Christ on a crutch! This fucking computer makes me sound like a fairy when I write with it. Can computers be gay? If they can I want to get another one that is not gay ridden or what ever.

After all real biker men don’t get all pansy assed even when they do gay stuff in the privacy or their own home. You ever see a homo Hells Angel? Hell no you don’t! They would all die out. Because I’ll tell you that if you saw two Hells Angels doing each other in public, people would talk and say real nasty things.

But like that new lawyer of mine says, I digress. Oh here comes that DA dude that is such an ass hole.

Later… They come and took my disposition. I had to swear on a bible so I wouldn’t lie because if you lie on a bible it is seven years bad luck or your nuts fall off or something. So any way I told the truth. Well I mostly told the truth because there is some things you just don’t admit to. But I told them how you was a real stand up guy and all high class and all.

You know what? They have been opening my mail to you and they say they are only interested in the salient details and fuck the rest of the drivel. And I said fuck you dude. I knew that salient means salty or something like that because I had salient solutions put in my arm and the nurse explained it to me between gooses. She sure liked to be goosed! She claimed she didn’t but her ass was always close at hand and so I goosed her and she giggled.

Anyways I explained how you was not using me for slave labor to do your lawn but that I promised it to you because you was such a stand up guy and high class and all. And I explained how I asked you to help me get a lawyer that he could work with since I didn’t do nothing wrong or unlegal and even if I did I wasn’t guilty. Then I explained about how even if I was guilty it wasn’t my fault and that somebody else must have done it.

He interrupted me and said “What have you done that wasn’t your fault?”
And I said whatever it is that you are charging me with that I am locked up in the hospital ward.”

“But you aren’t charged with anything,” he said.

“Then why am I here?” I said.

“For your own protection,” he said.

“Protection from what?” I said.

“From all the policemen who want to shoot you,” he said.

“Why do all the policemen want to shoot me?” I said.

“Because you had carnal knowledge with a lady police officer and made her brother have sex with her,” he said.

“Who says I made him have sex with his sister Leone,?” I said.

“He does,” he said. And then I got all confused and I said, “I want to go home.”

And he said, “You can’t.”

And I said, “WHY?”

And he said, “Because you are locked up.” Then he sneered at me and I grabbed his nuts and squeezed real hard and he got white in the face and passed out and Leone came in right then and saved his life by making me let go of the nice man’s balls. So he fell onto the floor and I have a new charge against me of which I am not guilty. Besides he made me do it by hairy assing me. So it was not my fault just like all that other shit they plastered my ass with.

So anyway I can make you happy to tell you they decided not to use me to testify against you because I am too volatile and they cut me loose. I am writing the rest of this letter from the corner table of the Humper Bar And Grill that is opposite the corner booth we call Lover’s Lane. Leone is over there pleading my case with the new judge I got. He has decided to just throw it all out as what he called interconnected nonsense. Besides, Leone has promised to teach him how to ride my new Harley Sportster.

So now I am a free man except that they are now trying to say that I stole this computer from the county and I said fuck you, you give it to me. So you can see that they are just trying to fuck with me and it is not my fault that they give it to me and want to take it away again.

I saw on TV that they are now saying that when you did Leone in all three entrances to happiness that you did it with three security cameras going and the part where you nail her in the poop shoot came out real clear on all three cameras, So can you say the cameras are lying?

Anyway, you come down here and we will all teach you how to ride with us and be like a social disease and spread through the countryside. Ha Ha Ha I am joking. I know you are too high class to be no disease.

Anyway I have to close because my very pregnant old lade, Leone, is coming in and since she is going to have a boy, that means I am now Elmo the first and the second is on the way. Loene’s brother is all bent out of shape. But since he is not a cop and allowed to carry a gun and shoot people, I don’t give a shit. He comes down here every day and drinks up his cop’s disability pension check and runs a tab. He is all real messed up in the head and not clear thinking like you and me.

Good luck on your new job as cab driver. Leone says “Hey Stud!”
Your old pal,
Elmo Thudpacker

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